Be Positive

Recently I had read someone else’s blog and found it to be informative and then was interested to see if my own blog was informative, helpful or interesting in anyway. After reading a few entries it came to me that whether or not it was helpful to others it was helpful to me to put in words what I was feeling and while ‘putting pen to paper’ or rather typing them up, I was able to improve my hand dexterity and more importantly my writing has improved and the ability to explain myself clearly by organizing my thoughts has improved. As part of the process it also made me think of my situation in a more positive light and not to focus on the negative (which is easy to do when your life is turned upside down and you no longer know which way is up) It forced me to stop dwelling on things that were different that I couldn’t change and learn to live life as it was not how it used to be.

It was my intention when I started blogging to be positive and be able to show others it is possible to view a difficult circumstance positively and learn something about yourself from it. I was able to explain myself fairly reasonably when it came to factual information that had a chronological order but when it came to describing how I truly felt about my husband becoming my ex husband I was at a loss for words or positive way to look at things.

Every time I started to write things down it became a list of all of the ‘wrongs’ that were committed by my ex towards me. For some reason it didn’t sit right with me to bash him despite what I thought.... he deserved it! It was also hard to put down my feelings properly. I needed some time to think about things or not think about things. Really what I was doing was creating a list of things he did wrong and not focusing on the good he had done over the years and for 3 years post stroke he did many good things and some bad. I was being driven by my anger to focus on the bad and was trying to hurt him as much as he hurt me......nothing else. I can’t say I’m truly over it, but I am at a better place where I have put things in perspective.
So I haven’t posted anything in a while. I am glad I listened to that little voice or my instincts. Actually it was more like a yelling voice that made me listen to my instincts for a few reasons. First of all I would be hurting someone that I loved and loved me. I would be trivializing that love. He was placed in a very difficult situation and tried his best but it was too much for him. A stroke doesn’t come with a handbook how to deal with your feelings. Secondly and more importantly, I would sound bitter and would be harping on something I can’t change. Who really wants to hear about all that? It might be interesting to some but spewing all that negativity is not who I choose to be.

Everyone has choices. You have the choice on your behavior or how you look or perceive a situation. The mind or brain is a very complex organ it is capable of just about anything. I say this because I have lived it. If your initial reaction is negative (mine was negative in the beginning and began to change as things progressed in a positive way)change your thinking .....your mind is capable of being flexible. There are many people out there, and I am one of them, that feel if you think about something (positively or negatively) or as my friend says ‘put it out there’ then it will happen. So if something bad happens and you choose to view it or think positively about it than positive things will happen. AS it happens I am choosing to view this negative situation with new positive eyes and positive things are happening. Not to mention I am walking around lighter and have a happier inner core(much like before all of this nasty business).

I am not saying only positive things have happened since. The negative does rear its ugly head but I choose to see the silver lining in the dark cloud. Life is just better having this outlook. So it just makes sense when something negative happens choose to look at it positively.

People are only as disabled as you make them

I reread this and found it to sound bitter. It likely does because I had a number of these type of incidents in a row and was fed up! This was just a way to vent........

Am I not good enough? Apparently this is he case, since I had a stroke and have some visible disabilities. To some I am not good enough but fortunately I think I am. The word stroke frightens off would be ‘suitors’, employment possibilities and is evident in social situations. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it unfortunately after experiencing enough ignorance, it adds up and brings you down. I should explain......

I have had many experiences when people don’t think you can do it. There is a difference between whether you should vs. whether you can. Some people that label youmay know you well and other people you don’t know them at all.

First of all strangers have looked me up and down to determine whether I will be able to do something. I’ll let you know. Let me at least try. The doctor’s didn’t think I would walk again, or do many things, but I'm proud to say I am. They were far more educated than people judging me so what makes them be the expert on what I can do? Unfortunately well meaning friends project on me what they think they would be able to do in my situation.

What strikes me as sad when I think about people having to deal with this.....stereotype all of their lives? It’s a wonder they try anything after being treated or hear they can’t do ‘something’. It’s better to assume they can do it and let them try (as long as they aren’t a danger to themselves or others). Too often they are just ignored or given tasks far beneath what they are able to do. Don’t assume anything.

The word stroke frightens off people. It’s understandable; I didn’t even really know what a stroke was before I had one, other than it can do terrible things. I am not sure what they think when they hear 'stroke'? Do they expect the worst? Is it physical deformities and mental problems and deformaties?

But what I do know is that when I see people I haven’t seen since before the stroke, I get similar responses. 'You look so good'. Don’t get me wrong it’s always nice to hear a compliment but I can’t help but wonder what did they expect? I am grateful to not have any disfigurements. I continue to work out because it makes me feel good, is great therapy, and has helped me to get where I am.

I can say that every stroke is different; I have seen people walk but have memory problems or have both mental and physical problems or be like me and have primarily physical issues that are long lasting. You should have an interaction before making assumptions about a stroke patient or anyone for that matter

Parkwood Again?

I feel and broke my dislocated and broke my shoulder. I wish I can say it was a dramatic incident or the result of a sports injury. Nope I lost my balance and fell against a door frame. It was a careless error that took place in a few seconds but I have paying the price for a since mid February.

After I was loaded into the ambulance I arrived at the hospital within 2 minutes. The pain was out of this world. When my shoulder was x- rayed I was close to screaming as the technician had to move it to get the perfect picture. The pain was so intense I thought I was going to die. No position was comfortable without some pain. My screams could be heard outside the door. Finally I asked for something for the pain. I still can’t believe they didn’t offer something to shut me up. I had to ask for something. The doctor explained that it would take about 20 minutes to come into effect. It took forevr to calm me down and take the edge off. It turns out I am a screamer. The pain was so intense!

Before the shoulder could be replaced, an intravenous for the pain medication needed to be inserted. The throbbing pain made me ask/tell the nurse to ‘hurry up’ with the intravenous. Once the doctor put the bone back in the socket the pain decreased to the point that I began apologizing for my behaviour. Within the hour I was feeling much better. I thought I was on the mend and would be healed within 3 weeks but a few days later the doctor called to say I had broke my shoulder and I should see a specialist. Surgery was required to put the bone fragment back. Any and all surgery has it’s risks. However that was not a concern of mine. I was just happy to have the pain go away. Over time the pain has gone away but it got much worse before it got better.

The surgeon stressed that I was not to use the shoulder at all. If I was going to do it I had to pay close attention to his instructions. That meant NO shoulder rotations or weight bearing. My first question ‘was could I use the walker?’ That was met with a barrage of questions from the surgeon, basically asking who is going to take care of you during the recovery? I live alone so that was a tough one. I can do it I thought. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Arrangements had to be made for 24 hour care since the my balance is questionable at the best of times from the stroke. Actually it is the cause for my fall in the first place. My options boiled down to Parkwood in London or my home hospital ‘St Marys Memorial Hospital in St Marys. Even though I know Parkwood is a place where very good things happen. I didn't want to go back. I wanted to be at St.Marys near my family and friends. However I knew Parkwoodwas best.

It was extremely tough. I wasn’t sleeping and the emotions from my past visit to Parkwood kept rearing its ugly head. My drug induced haze had me expecting Mike to come into my room at any minute. After a few days I became exhausted and crying and couldn’t stop. I was convinced that the answer was leaving Parkwood and going to my home hospital.

I had the great pleasure of meeting a woman who made all the difference in the world. She gave me a shoulder to cry on and convinced me a good sleep would do me a world of good. I ended up transferring and becoming one of three other roommates. Her room was a ‘party room’ because of the positive, ‘younger’ women. My undying gratitude goes to Cathy, Gene and Marg, who welcomed me and showed that being positive about the future was better than dwelling on the past.

update

Just a quick update. I am back at parkwood hospital. I've been here since my shoulder surgery on March 10th and do not expect to be out until a tenative date of April 6th. I'm back on th same floor as when I had my stroke 6 years ago. The broken shoulder and subsequent rehab have been a blessing in disguise. The 'tune up' has been good for me since I can share my story and confidently say to others upset 'things will get better' and I tell them how bad it was for me. It's theraputic and it makes me feel good as well as reminding me how far I've come!

I also see that I have it good compared to others I see around the hospital in various states of recovery from amputees to brain injury and those forever trapped in their situations. I have even improved since I left here 6 years ago. Even during my stay this time.

Not being able to use my right shoulder (my dominant and the one I broke) I have learned to use my affected side. I am grateful for what is done here and the people who do it. I have many more stories to share and will as soon as I'm able to type and it not hurt.

Decisions??

I don’t hate him although there were times I did. I just couldn’t and can’t believe it would turn out this way. None of this this was supposed to happen. God forbid if it does just be there for who you love.

As it turns out hating him was a bit of a defence mechanism. It was easier to hate him for all the pain he was causing me. I say LOSER alot when referring to him. I’m not sure when I let go I'm sure it came a time when I didn’t need to hate him.

For a very very short time I felt sorry for him. It was a lot to deal with and I did not make it easy. So I take some of the blame, however I just wasn’t myself so I don’t shoulder much. I should have been excused for some of it. I did have a brain injury and things weren’t working the same. I could have handled it differently but my instinct was to fight it all the way, never give up, and never take the easy way out. DO NOT Surrender. To me the easy way out was take a wheelchair vs trying to walk. I know myself if I had of taken the easy way out once, I would do it again and again. However I have begun to distinguish the easy way out aka the lazy way versus enjoyment of an acivity. So I do have a slight shift in thinking.

I didn’t want to carry the burden of hatred my whole life so I consciously made the decision to just let it go. I had to remind myself once in awhile to not be a hater and now I can say I don’t hate him, but I don’t really like him all that much either. What's to like? His actions far over shadow any 'love' or respect I once had.

I now just think he is a small miniscule person in this big bad life that made some decisions that will haunt him his whole life. I wouldn't want to be the guy on his second wife because he abandon his first in a time when she really needed someone. It was a decision that indicates what kind of person he really is.

When I am faced with a hard decision I like to think how will this decision affect me in a year? Will I regret taking the easy way out? Would I rather be proud of the way I handled myself? This is not a fail safe way of ensuring I am making the right decision since the easy way out is well .......the easiest but it helps keep me going in the right direction.

Stand by me

I have neglected this issue of the breakup long enough. I didn't think it would be this hard to put in words.

I was so disappointed and mad that the person I chose to spend my life with couldn’t handle this misfortune. Granted it was life changing and very hard to cope with. There is no manual. I have had a very hard time coping with it all. Yes I would have loved to walk away but it happened to me so I couldn’t walk away. I had a choice give up or make the best of it. Try hard, work hard and never give up despite what people say or what they expected.

He chose to give up and walk away. I am not 100% sure that if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t have done the same thing. He had two choices stand by me or start over again with someone new. Would I have walked away when I knew I couldn’t handle the stress? I like to think I would have at least tried harder, approached the issue differently. I don’t think I could ignore it, not talk about it or go exclusively to my friends for advice. Wouldn’t a professional be better equipped to give suggestions and advice?

I was a mess crying all the time worried for my future. I still worry about my future but not nearly as much. I was worried that everyone I would meet would feel the same way. That I was less than a person now and wouldn’t be able to find love. I realize now that not everyone has the same reaction as my ex-husband. I hung on to my ex- husband so fiercely thinking he was the be all end all. He’s not and there are BETTER fish in the sea.

The break up

I have kept the story in chronological order in order to keep things organized in my mind. It just seems to make sense to start from the very beginning and move toward the end, or present day. My memories seem to be clearer and easier to recall when they follow a timeline.

I am now at the point in the story where I am not sure that I want to dig up certain memories. it has taken a year to get to the point of not tearing up when talking about it. I have been putting off recalling these events. I have thought about the fairest way to paint the picture and I have come up with sticking to the facts and try not to give my opinion (too much). I realize there are two sides to every story. The trouble is I only have my side of the story.

In the car on our way to an appointment he dropped the bomb....”we should go our separate ways” Something in his voice told me that he was VERY serious. I was sitting in the passengers seat and I looked over at him driving like I had for 18 years. His expression was stony and distant. An expression that I know all too well....now

My initial thought was this statement has been said before in the heat of an argument from both our mouths but never just out of the blue. Actually we had a minor argument just before the car ride to our appointment, but not one that would warrant that statement. My next thought was HE WAS SERIOUS and I was reduced to tears.

In the beginning I just didn’t understand. I wanted some clarification. Do marriage vows not mean anything I wanted to scream and I wanted him to see the error in his ways and say we need to talk. Does in sickness and in health matter at all? I guess only in health. Now I don’t care as much..It’s just something that has happened and it isn’t someone I should worry about. He said he wanted to quit the stroke but that also meant quitting me.

Our biggest mistake was that we didn’t talk about our ‘feelings’ and thought we could do it ourselves so we didn’t seek any counselling. It was like don’t ask don’t tell. Since I cried so easily, Mike has said that was the reason for hiding his feelings or rather not to discuss them. It took me a long time to accept that as a reasonable explanation. I just feel that was a cowardly way of doing things. Were the years we had been together not at least warrant trying?