I don’t hate him although there were times I did. I just couldn’t and can’t believe it would turn out this way. None of this this was supposed to happen. God forbid if it does just be there for who you love.
As it turns out hating him was a bit of a defence mechanism. It was easier to hate him for all the pain he was causing me. I say LOSER alot when referring to him. I’m not sure when I let go I'm sure it came a time when I didn’t need to hate him.
For a very very short time I felt sorry for him. It was a lot to deal with and I did not make it easy. So I take some of the blame, however I just wasn’t myself so I don’t shoulder much. I should have been excused for some of it. I did have a brain injury and things weren’t working the same. I could have handled it differently but my instinct was to fight it all the way, never give up, and never take the easy way out. DO NOT Surrender. To me the easy way out was take a wheelchair vs trying to walk. I know myself if I had of taken the easy way out once, I would do it again and again. However I have begun to distinguish the easy way out aka the lazy way versus enjoyment of an acivity. So I do have a slight shift in thinking.
I didn’t want to carry the burden of hatred my whole life so I consciously made the decision to just let it go. I had to remind myself once in awhile to not be a hater and now I can say I don’t hate him, but I don’t really like him all that much either. What's to like? His actions far over shadow any 'love' or respect I once had.
I now just think he is a small miniscule person in this big bad life that made some decisions that will haunt him his whole life. I wouldn't want to be the guy on his second wife because he abandon his first in a time when she really needed someone. It was a decision that indicates what kind of person he really is.
When I am faced with a hard decision I like to think how will this decision affect me in a year? Will I regret taking the easy way out? Would I rather be proud of the way I handled myself? This is not a fail safe way of ensuring I am making the right decision since the easy way out is well .......the easiest but it helps keep me going in the right direction.
