I have neglected this issue of the breakup long enough. I didn't think it would be this hard to put in words.
I was so disappointed and mad that the person I chose to spend my life with couldn’t handle this misfortune. Granted it was life changing and very hard to cope with. There is no manual. I have had a very hard time coping with it all. Yes I would have loved to walk away but it happened to me so I couldn’t walk away. I had a choice give up or make the best of it. Try hard, work hard and never give up despite what people say or what they expected.
He chose to give up and walk away. I am not 100% sure that if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t have done the same thing. He had two choices stand by me or start over again with someone new. Would I have walked away when I knew I couldn’t handle the stress? I like to think I would have at least tried harder, approached the issue differently. I don’t think I could ignore it, not talk about it or go exclusively to my friends for advice. Wouldn’t a professional be better equipped to give suggestions and advice?
I was a mess crying all the time worried for my future. I still worry about my future but not nearly as much. I was worried that everyone I would meet would feel the same way. That I was less than a person now and wouldn’t be able to find love. I realize now that not everyone has the same reaction as my ex-husband. I hung on to my ex- husband so fiercely thinking he was the be all end all. He’s not and there are BETTER fish in the sea.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
The break up
I have kept the story in chronological order in order to keep things organized in my mind. It just seems to make sense to start from the very beginning and move toward the end, or present day. My memories seem to be clearer and easier to recall when they follow a timeline.
I am now at the point in the story where I am not sure that I want to dig up certain memories. it has taken a year to get to the point of not tearing up when talking about it. I have been putting off recalling these events. I have thought about the fairest way to paint the picture and I have come up with sticking to the facts and try not to give my opinion (too much). I realize there are two sides to every story. The trouble is I only have my side of the story.
In the car on our way to an appointment he dropped the bomb....”we should go our separate ways” Something in his voice told me that he was VERY serious. I was sitting in the passengers seat and I looked over at him driving like I had for 18 years. His expression was stony and distant. An expression that I know all too well....now
My initial thought was this statement has been said before in the heat of an argument from both our mouths but never just out of the blue. Actually we had a minor argument just before the car ride to our appointment, but not one that would warrant that statement. My next thought was HE WAS SERIOUS and I was reduced to tears.
In the beginning I just didn’t understand. I wanted some clarification. Do marriage vows not mean anything I wanted to scream and I wanted him to see the error in his ways and say we need to talk. Does in sickness and in health matter at all? I guess only in health. Now I don’t care as much..It’s just something that has happened and it isn’t someone I should worry about. He said he wanted to quit the stroke but that also meant quitting me.
Our biggest mistake was that we didn’t talk about our ‘feelings’ and thought we could do it ourselves so we didn’t seek any counselling. It was like don’t ask don’t tell. Since I cried so easily, Mike has said that was the reason for hiding his feelings or rather not to discuss them. It took me a long time to accept that as a reasonable explanation. I just feel that was a cowardly way of doing things. Were the years we had been together not at least warrant trying?
I am now at the point in the story where I am not sure that I want to dig up certain memories. it has taken a year to get to the point of not tearing up when talking about it. I have been putting off recalling these events. I have thought about the fairest way to paint the picture and I have come up with sticking to the facts and try not to give my opinion (too much). I realize there are two sides to every story. The trouble is I only have my side of the story.
In the car on our way to an appointment he dropped the bomb....”we should go our separate ways” Something in his voice told me that he was VERY serious. I was sitting in the passengers seat and I looked over at him driving like I had for 18 years. His expression was stony and distant. An expression that I know all too well....now
My initial thought was this statement has been said before in the heat of an argument from both our mouths but never just out of the blue. Actually we had a minor argument just before the car ride to our appointment, but not one that would warrant that statement. My next thought was HE WAS SERIOUS and I was reduced to tears.
In the beginning I just didn’t understand. I wanted some clarification. Do marriage vows not mean anything I wanted to scream and I wanted him to see the error in his ways and say we need to talk. Does in sickness and in health matter at all? I guess only in health. Now I don’t care as much..It’s just something that has happened and it isn’t someone I should worry about. He said he wanted to quit the stroke but that also meant quitting me.
Our biggest mistake was that we didn’t talk about our ‘feelings’ and thought we could do it ourselves so we didn’t seek any counselling. It was like don’t ask don’t tell. Since I cried so easily, Mike has said that was the reason for hiding his feelings or rather not to discuss them. It took me a long time to accept that as a reasonable explanation. I just feel that was a cowardly way of doing things. Were the years we had been together not at least warrant trying?
Monday, December 13, 2010
Boredom
I was sooo bored being at home during the day by myself. When the doctor had mentioned needing a few years at home to recover, my thought was that I was going to go crazy with boredom. I even thought I would be going to the mall on a regular basis for something to do. I had naively thought I’d be walking within months and I’d be out and about, possibly even driving. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Instead to fill some time in a day, I would wait for Mike to come home and bombarded him with things to do...like go for a walk with my walker, go to the mall for something I thought we had to have or play cards or a board game. He became the pivotal player in my entertainment. What I neglected to realize was that he just wanted to relax after work.
I started to get the hint that he needed some down time and tried to find things that would be entertaining for just me. I didn’t have much luck but did find some comfort to being in front of the computer. At first I would play hearts and solitaire. Then I started to write things down and it felt really good. Prior to the stroke I had a thought of writing a book but I didn’t have a topic. Now I do.
I began documenting things so I wouldn’t forget. Thing is I haven’t forgot much.
In the beginning my vocabulary was limited, my sentence structure nonexistent. I would have several thoughts and try to ram them all into one sentence. Sentences would be run on and on and on. Typing was a slooww activity since I had lost much of my co ordination. In the beginning I made an effort to type as I was taught in typing in high school. My right hand has had to pick up the slack on certain letters. I’ve had to modify the way I type much like I’ve had to modify many activities.
What is interesting is going back and reading what I thought at the time was a work of art. It is a great barometer of how things were. At least that got me started using my brain and thankfully I have progressed since then.
Instead to fill some time in a day, I would wait for Mike to come home and bombarded him with things to do...like go for a walk with my walker, go to the mall for something I thought we had to have or play cards or a board game. He became the pivotal player in my entertainment. What I neglected to realize was that he just wanted to relax after work.
I started to get the hint that he needed some down time and tried to find things that would be entertaining for just me. I didn’t have much luck but did find some comfort to being in front of the computer. At first I would play hearts and solitaire. Then I started to write things down and it felt really good. Prior to the stroke I had a thought of writing a book but I didn’t have a topic. Now I do.
I began documenting things so I wouldn’t forget. Thing is I haven’t forgot much.
In the beginning my vocabulary was limited, my sentence structure nonexistent. I would have several thoughts and try to ram them all into one sentence. Sentences would be run on and on and on. Typing was a slooww activity since I had lost much of my co ordination. In the beginning I made an effort to type as I was taught in typing in high school. My right hand has had to pick up the slack on certain letters. I’ve had to modify the way I type much like I’ve had to modify many activities.
What is interesting is going back and reading what I thought at the time was a work of art. It is a great barometer of how things were. At least that got me started using my brain and thankfully I have progressed since then.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Final Farewell to Parkwood
Finally my time at Parkwood was over. That was 51/2 months of time well spent. I was going home for good! I don’t think I have wanted something so badly in my life. Not only was I going home but in my mind it meant that I was better. I was better but since that time I have progressed so much more. If I were to put a number on it I’d say 2000%. My speech has become more clear, my balance has improved, and I have more hope for the future.
Despite me wanting to go (be permanently discharged) sooo badly it wasn’t a very ceremonial moment. It should have been more momentous than returning from therapy and being wheeled out to the car just like every other day to go for supper. If this were a movie, uplifting and happy music would be playing. We (Mike and I) took my parents and brother out for dinner as a thank you for the countless trips (everyday) into London they made while I was in the hospital.
So I am at home......Prior to the stroke part of my regular routine was to go for a run first thing in the mornings. Running or walking was not in the cards for me. Since I am used to a good workout (good sweat) I longed for that again. I had used the elliptical at the gym and realized that I could hang on to the handles for support and move my legs quickly. I figured that would allow me a good workout and mimic the movement of walking.
I had basically decided that getting an elliptical was the best option, even though the doctors thought it might be too soon. I just wanted it and felt it was in my best interest so I didn’t listen and pushed forward.
The elliptical would provide the therapy of exercise and weight management. Weight management became a serious issue. After 3 months of no food and a modified diet I became obsessed and ate everything in sight. Eventual boredom also contributed to the weight gain. I began eating when I didn’t have anything to do. This was the reason I gained too much weight.
Not only was I upset about the effects of the stroke I needed and wanted to lose some weight but I didn’t know how. In the past I would just workout longer or harder. My eating habits would essentially stay the same. But the fact that my movements, strength and endurance were limited made this strategy obsolete.
I have a real obsession with both food and working out. I have a love hate relationship with food.I love junk food and eat it if it’s available. I hate the extra calories. If it’s wasn’t readily available I would go get it at the store or in a pinch I’d make something to fill that sweet tooth. In order to combat the extra calories I would work out extra. It was and is a vicious cycle.
In my mind the exercise was going to get me walking and make weight loss possible so I was willing to pay whatever it was going to cost—it was an investment in my future. After 6 years I am still not walking without a mobility aid. Most importantly and thankfully I AM NOT in a wheelchair (a prognosis doctors thought would happen)
Where would I be if I just gave up and accepted things as they were without trying to change things? I wasn’t happy with the way things were so I had two choices. Quit and give up or make a change. Since I wasn’t happy with the way things were, so the choice was a no brainer. Try to make a change, the alternative was not an option.
Despite me wanting to go (be permanently discharged) sooo badly it wasn’t a very ceremonial moment. It should have been more momentous than returning from therapy and being wheeled out to the car just like every other day to go for supper. If this were a movie, uplifting and happy music would be playing. We (Mike and I) took my parents and brother out for dinner as a thank you for the countless trips (everyday) into London they made while I was in the hospital.
So I am at home......Prior to the stroke part of my regular routine was to go for a run first thing in the mornings. Running or walking was not in the cards for me. Since I am used to a good workout (good sweat) I longed for that again. I had used the elliptical at the gym and realized that I could hang on to the handles for support and move my legs quickly. I figured that would allow me a good workout and mimic the movement of walking.
I had basically decided that getting an elliptical was the best option, even though the doctors thought it might be too soon. I just wanted it and felt it was in my best interest so I didn’t listen and pushed forward.
The elliptical would provide the therapy of exercise and weight management. Weight management became a serious issue. After 3 months of no food and a modified diet I became obsessed and ate everything in sight. Eventual boredom also contributed to the weight gain. I began eating when I didn’t have anything to do. This was the reason I gained too much weight.
Not only was I upset about the effects of the stroke I needed and wanted to lose some weight but I didn’t know how. In the past I would just workout longer or harder. My eating habits would essentially stay the same. But the fact that my movements, strength and endurance were limited made this strategy obsolete.
I have a real obsession with both food and working out. I have a love hate relationship with food.I love junk food and eat it if it’s available. I hate the extra calories. If it’s wasn’t readily available I would go get it at the store or in a pinch I’d make something to fill that sweet tooth. In order to combat the extra calories I would work out extra. It was and is a vicious cycle.
In my mind the exercise was going to get me walking and make weight loss possible so I was willing to pay whatever it was going to cost—it was an investment in my future. After 6 years I am still not walking without a mobility aid. Most importantly and thankfully I AM NOT in a wheelchair (a prognosis doctors thought would happen)
Where would I be if I just gave up and accepted things as they were without trying to change things? I wasn’t happy with the way things were so I had two choices. Quit and give up or make a change. Since I wasn’t happy with the way things were, so the choice was a no brainer. Try to make a change, the alternative was not an option.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I’m back after my hiatus
Just a quick note about the fundraiser and then I’ll get back to my story.
To know you have made a positive impact on someone’s life is indescribable. I’m hooked.
I had the privilege to meet someone in a very similar situation than me. On first sight I saw he was cautiously walking with a walker his speech was at times difficult to undertand. (just like me at the same point in my recovery) After talking with him I found we shared even the same type of stroke and some of the same effects. He didn’t know me when I was at that point in my recovery so he won’t see the comparison.
From that meeting(we wouldn't have if it weren't for that talk) and discussions I took two things away from that encounter. First I have the ability to reassure others because I know it will get better. Of a stroke and other challengiing times in life. Secondly I was beginning to lose sight of the progress that I have made. I have a much greater appreciation for where I am now from where I've been. It isn’t 100% but it is a 100% improvement over where I was. So as much help that I was ....I gained so much more. Thanks Rich. I hope you will always believe and have hope that it will get better because it did for me and it will for you!
Just a quick note about the fundraiser and then I’ll get back to my story.
To know you have made a positive impact on someone’s life is indescribable. I’m hooked.
I had the privilege to meet someone in a very similar situation than me. On first sight I saw he was cautiously walking with a walker his speech was at times difficult to undertand. (just like me at the same point in my recovery) After talking with him I found we shared even the same type of stroke and some of the same effects. He didn’t know me when I was at that point in my recovery so he won’t see the comparison.
From that meeting(we wouldn't have if it weren't for that talk) and discussions I took two things away from that encounter. First I have the ability to reassure others because I know it will get better. Of a stroke and other challengiing times in life. Secondly I was beginning to lose sight of the progress that I have made. I have a much greater appreciation for where I am now from where I've been. It isn’t 100% but it is a 100% improvement over where I was. So as much help that I was ....I gained so much more. Thanks Rich. I hope you will always believe and have hope that it will get better because it did for me and it will for you!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
My time at Parkwood
Was Work.....Work....Work (get better work) I am very appreciative at my length of stay. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to pack it in and go home. The reason a lengthier stay was in my favour...a longer stay meant more intense therapy and better recovery. I was in bad shape and things were NOT progressing as fast as I wanted them to. I have never been a very patient person.
I will never forget the day when I hoisted myself up to standing position from the wheel chair and I could feel that my balance was better than the day before. It wasn’t a huge improvement but considering I didn’t have any the day before a little was better than none at all. This meant I was going to get better...how much is yet to be seen.
It was soon after that I decided I should transfer myself from the bed to the wheelchair to go to the washroom. My first attempt was a complete flop. More like crash. It was evening and when I was watching TV, I had to go pee. Instead of calling the nurse I decided to do it myself. When Mike had dropped me off that night he had reluctantly left the wheelchair beside the bed within reach so I could attempt this myself. I used the bedrails to help but they weren’t enough support. I fell face first and hit my eye on the corner of the dresser. I still have a small scar. I was a little shook up and I laid on the floor for a second but my initial reaction was and is if you fall you get right back up. My left leg was shaking but I still managed to pull myself up and onto the wheelchair. I wheeled myself to the washroom. After all that was the objective. That is when I saw all the blood running down my face onto my PJ top. I washed the blood off my face went pee and got myself back into bed. I then called the nurse to tell her what happened. There was talk of stitches but they never materialized. If it weren’t for the blood I probably would have continued to ‘transfer myself’
Parkwood was my home away from home since I spent so much time there but it wasn’t one I REALLY wanted to be at but many milestones in my recovery happened there. I was able to eat again. My balance started to return. I was able to do things that I couldn’t before. I did a lot of thinking and self discovery.
Something that is very memorable happened along the way but I finally realized it since a kind aunt put it in words on paper. She wrote something like you’ll do it because you are determined. I had never thought of myself of determined but when it comes to something we want are we all not. Apparently not, but people give up on themselves all the time. Prior to the stroke I was a quitter. That was certainly the easiest way of dealing with the unpleasant. This time it has never occurred to me to stop. Why stop? Let me tell you the alternative was/is not something I wanted to experience ever! The task was daunting but taking it one day at a time with mini goals that would lead to the final goal was the only way to do it and stay sane. After all it was and is a lofty goal.
The people at Parkwood taught me to celebrate even the smallest goal (I didn’t through myself a party or have cake (I would be 400 pounds at least) --just being proud of an accomplishment.
I will never forget the day when I hoisted myself up to standing position from the wheel chair and I could feel that my balance was better than the day before. It wasn’t a huge improvement but considering I didn’t have any the day before a little was better than none at all. This meant I was going to get better...how much is yet to be seen.
It was soon after that I decided I should transfer myself from the bed to the wheelchair to go to the washroom. My first attempt was a complete flop. More like crash. It was evening and when I was watching TV, I had to go pee. Instead of calling the nurse I decided to do it myself. When Mike had dropped me off that night he had reluctantly left the wheelchair beside the bed within reach so I could attempt this myself. I used the bedrails to help but they weren’t enough support. I fell face first and hit my eye on the corner of the dresser. I still have a small scar. I was a little shook up and I laid on the floor for a second but my initial reaction was and is if you fall you get right back up. My left leg was shaking but I still managed to pull myself up and onto the wheelchair. I wheeled myself to the washroom. After all that was the objective. That is when I saw all the blood running down my face onto my PJ top. I washed the blood off my face went pee and got myself back into bed. I then called the nurse to tell her what happened. There was talk of stitches but they never materialized. If it weren’t for the blood I probably would have continued to ‘transfer myself’
Parkwood was my home away from home since I spent so much time there but it wasn’t one I REALLY wanted to be at but many milestones in my recovery happened there. I was able to eat again. My balance started to return. I was able to do things that I couldn’t before. I did a lot of thinking and self discovery.
Something that is very memorable happened along the way but I finally realized it since a kind aunt put it in words on paper. She wrote something like you’ll do it because you are determined. I had never thought of myself of determined but when it comes to something we want are we all not. Apparently not, but people give up on themselves all the time. Prior to the stroke I was a quitter. That was certainly the easiest way of dealing with the unpleasant. This time it has never occurred to me to stop. Why stop? Let me tell you the alternative was/is not something I wanted to experience ever! The task was daunting but taking it one day at a time with mini goals that would lead to the final goal was the only way to do it and stay sane. After all it was and is a lofty goal.
The people at Parkwood taught me to celebrate even the smallest goal (I didn’t through myself a party or have cake (I would be 400 pounds at least) --just being proud of an accomplishment.
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