Just a quick update. I am back at parkwood hospital. I've been here since my shoulder surgery on March 10th and do not expect to be out until a tenative date of April 6th. I'm back on th same floor as when I had my stroke 6 years ago. The broken shoulder and subsequent rehab have been a blessing in disguise. The 'tune up' has been good for me since I can share my story and confidently say to others upset 'things will get better' and I tell them how bad it was for me. It's theraputic and it makes me feel good as well as reminding me how far I've come!
I also see that I have it good compared to others I see around the hospital in various states of recovery from amputees to brain injury and those forever trapped in their situations. I have even improved since I left here 6 years ago. Even during my stay this time.
Not being able to use my right shoulder (my dominant and the one I broke) I have learned to use my affected side. I am grateful for what is done here and the people who do it. I have many more stories to share and will as soon as I'm able to type and it not hurt.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Decisions??
I don’t hate him although there were times I did. I just couldn’t and can’t believe it would turn out this way. None of this this was supposed to happen. God forbid if it does just be there for who you love.
As it turns out hating him was a bit of a defence mechanism. It was easier to hate him for all the pain he was causing me. I say LOSER alot when referring to him. I’m not sure when I let go I'm sure it came a time when I didn’t need to hate him.
For a very very short time I felt sorry for him. It was a lot to deal with and I did not make it easy. So I take some of the blame, however I just wasn’t myself so I don’t shoulder much. I should have been excused for some of it. I did have a brain injury and things weren’t working the same. I could have handled it differently but my instinct was to fight it all the way, never give up, and never take the easy way out. DO NOT Surrender. To me the easy way out was take a wheelchair vs trying to walk. I know myself if I had of taken the easy way out once, I would do it again and again. However I have begun to distinguish the easy way out aka the lazy way versus enjoyment of an acivity. So I do have a slight shift in thinking.
I didn’t want to carry the burden of hatred my whole life so I consciously made the decision to just let it go. I had to remind myself once in awhile to not be a hater and now I can say I don’t hate him, but I don’t really like him all that much either. What's to like? His actions far over shadow any 'love' or respect I once had.
I now just think he is a small miniscule person in this big bad life that made some decisions that will haunt him his whole life. I wouldn't want to be the guy on his second wife because he abandon his first in a time when she really needed someone. It was a decision that indicates what kind of person he really is.
When I am faced with a hard decision I like to think how will this decision affect me in a year? Will I regret taking the easy way out? Would I rather be proud of the way I handled myself? This is not a fail safe way of ensuring I am making the right decision since the easy way out is well .......the easiest but it helps keep me going in the right direction.
As it turns out hating him was a bit of a defence mechanism. It was easier to hate him for all the pain he was causing me. I say LOSER alot when referring to him. I’m not sure when I let go I'm sure it came a time when I didn’t need to hate him.
For a very very short time I felt sorry for him. It was a lot to deal with and I did not make it easy. So I take some of the blame, however I just wasn’t myself so I don’t shoulder much. I should have been excused for some of it. I did have a brain injury and things weren’t working the same. I could have handled it differently but my instinct was to fight it all the way, never give up, and never take the easy way out. DO NOT Surrender. To me the easy way out was take a wheelchair vs trying to walk. I know myself if I had of taken the easy way out once, I would do it again and again. However I have begun to distinguish the easy way out aka the lazy way versus enjoyment of an acivity. So I do have a slight shift in thinking.
I didn’t want to carry the burden of hatred my whole life so I consciously made the decision to just let it go. I had to remind myself once in awhile to not be a hater and now I can say I don’t hate him, but I don’t really like him all that much either. What's to like? His actions far over shadow any 'love' or respect I once had.
I now just think he is a small miniscule person in this big bad life that made some decisions that will haunt him his whole life. I wouldn't want to be the guy on his second wife because he abandon his first in a time when she really needed someone. It was a decision that indicates what kind of person he really is.
When I am faced with a hard decision I like to think how will this decision affect me in a year? Will I regret taking the easy way out? Would I rather be proud of the way I handled myself? This is not a fail safe way of ensuring I am making the right decision since the easy way out is well .......the easiest but it helps keep me going in the right direction.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Stand by me
I have neglected this issue of the breakup long enough. I didn't think it would be this hard to put in words.
I was so disappointed and mad that the person I chose to spend my life with couldn’t handle this misfortune. Granted it was life changing and very hard to cope with. There is no manual. I have had a very hard time coping with it all. Yes I would have loved to walk away but it happened to me so I couldn’t walk away. I had a choice give up or make the best of it. Try hard, work hard and never give up despite what people say or what they expected.
He chose to give up and walk away. I am not 100% sure that if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t have done the same thing. He had two choices stand by me or start over again with someone new. Would I have walked away when I knew I couldn’t handle the stress? I like to think I would have at least tried harder, approached the issue differently. I don’t think I could ignore it, not talk about it or go exclusively to my friends for advice. Wouldn’t a professional be better equipped to give suggestions and advice?
I was a mess crying all the time worried for my future. I still worry about my future but not nearly as much. I was worried that everyone I would meet would feel the same way. That I was less than a person now and wouldn’t be able to find love. I realize now that not everyone has the same reaction as my ex-husband. I hung on to my ex- husband so fiercely thinking he was the be all end all. He’s not and there are BETTER fish in the sea.
I was so disappointed and mad that the person I chose to spend my life with couldn’t handle this misfortune. Granted it was life changing and very hard to cope with. There is no manual. I have had a very hard time coping with it all. Yes I would have loved to walk away but it happened to me so I couldn’t walk away. I had a choice give up or make the best of it. Try hard, work hard and never give up despite what people say or what they expected.
He chose to give up and walk away. I am not 100% sure that if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t have done the same thing. He had two choices stand by me or start over again with someone new. Would I have walked away when I knew I couldn’t handle the stress? I like to think I would have at least tried harder, approached the issue differently. I don’t think I could ignore it, not talk about it or go exclusively to my friends for advice. Wouldn’t a professional be better equipped to give suggestions and advice?
I was a mess crying all the time worried for my future. I still worry about my future but not nearly as much. I was worried that everyone I would meet would feel the same way. That I was less than a person now and wouldn’t be able to find love. I realize now that not everyone has the same reaction as my ex-husband. I hung on to my ex- husband so fiercely thinking he was the be all end all. He’s not and there are BETTER fish in the sea.
Monday, January 3, 2011
The break up
I have kept the story in chronological order in order to keep things organized in my mind. It just seems to make sense to start from the very beginning and move toward the end, or present day. My memories seem to be clearer and easier to recall when they follow a timeline.
I am now at the point in the story where I am not sure that I want to dig up certain memories. it has taken a year to get to the point of not tearing up when talking about it. I have been putting off recalling these events. I have thought about the fairest way to paint the picture and I have come up with sticking to the facts and try not to give my opinion (too much). I realize there are two sides to every story. The trouble is I only have my side of the story.
In the car on our way to an appointment he dropped the bomb....”we should go our separate ways” Something in his voice told me that he was VERY serious. I was sitting in the passengers seat and I looked over at him driving like I had for 18 years. His expression was stony and distant. An expression that I know all too well....now
My initial thought was this statement has been said before in the heat of an argument from both our mouths but never just out of the blue. Actually we had a minor argument just before the car ride to our appointment, but not one that would warrant that statement. My next thought was HE WAS SERIOUS and I was reduced to tears.
In the beginning I just didn’t understand. I wanted some clarification. Do marriage vows not mean anything I wanted to scream and I wanted him to see the error in his ways and say we need to talk. Does in sickness and in health matter at all? I guess only in health. Now I don’t care as much..It’s just something that has happened and it isn’t someone I should worry about. He said he wanted to quit the stroke but that also meant quitting me.
Our biggest mistake was that we didn’t talk about our ‘feelings’ and thought we could do it ourselves so we didn’t seek any counselling. It was like don’t ask don’t tell. Since I cried so easily, Mike has said that was the reason for hiding his feelings or rather not to discuss them. It took me a long time to accept that as a reasonable explanation. I just feel that was a cowardly way of doing things. Were the years we had been together not at least warrant trying?
I am now at the point in the story where I am not sure that I want to dig up certain memories. it has taken a year to get to the point of not tearing up when talking about it. I have been putting off recalling these events. I have thought about the fairest way to paint the picture and I have come up with sticking to the facts and try not to give my opinion (too much). I realize there are two sides to every story. The trouble is I only have my side of the story.
In the car on our way to an appointment he dropped the bomb....”we should go our separate ways” Something in his voice told me that he was VERY serious. I was sitting in the passengers seat and I looked over at him driving like I had for 18 years. His expression was stony and distant. An expression that I know all too well....now
My initial thought was this statement has been said before in the heat of an argument from both our mouths but never just out of the blue. Actually we had a minor argument just before the car ride to our appointment, but not one that would warrant that statement. My next thought was HE WAS SERIOUS and I was reduced to tears.
In the beginning I just didn’t understand. I wanted some clarification. Do marriage vows not mean anything I wanted to scream and I wanted him to see the error in his ways and say we need to talk. Does in sickness and in health matter at all? I guess only in health. Now I don’t care as much..It’s just something that has happened and it isn’t someone I should worry about. He said he wanted to quit the stroke but that also meant quitting me.
Our biggest mistake was that we didn’t talk about our ‘feelings’ and thought we could do it ourselves so we didn’t seek any counselling. It was like don’t ask don’t tell. Since I cried so easily, Mike has said that was the reason for hiding his feelings or rather not to discuss them. It took me a long time to accept that as a reasonable explanation. I just feel that was a cowardly way of doing things. Were the years we had been together not at least warrant trying?
Monday, December 13, 2010
Boredom
I was sooo bored being at home during the day by myself. When the doctor had mentioned needing a few years at home to recover, my thought was that I was going to go crazy with boredom. I even thought I would be going to the mall on a regular basis for something to do. I had naively thought I’d be walking within months and I’d be out and about, possibly even driving. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Instead to fill some time in a day, I would wait for Mike to come home and bombarded him with things to do...like go for a walk with my walker, go to the mall for something I thought we had to have or play cards or a board game. He became the pivotal player in my entertainment. What I neglected to realize was that he just wanted to relax after work.
I started to get the hint that he needed some down time and tried to find things that would be entertaining for just me. I didn’t have much luck but did find some comfort to being in front of the computer. At first I would play hearts and solitaire. Then I started to write things down and it felt really good. Prior to the stroke I had a thought of writing a book but I didn’t have a topic. Now I do.
I began documenting things so I wouldn’t forget. Thing is I haven’t forgot much.
In the beginning my vocabulary was limited, my sentence structure nonexistent. I would have several thoughts and try to ram them all into one sentence. Sentences would be run on and on and on. Typing was a slooww activity since I had lost much of my co ordination. In the beginning I made an effort to type as I was taught in typing in high school. My right hand has had to pick up the slack on certain letters. I’ve had to modify the way I type much like I’ve had to modify many activities.
What is interesting is going back and reading what I thought at the time was a work of art. It is a great barometer of how things were. At least that got me started using my brain and thankfully I have progressed since then.
Instead to fill some time in a day, I would wait for Mike to come home and bombarded him with things to do...like go for a walk with my walker, go to the mall for something I thought we had to have or play cards or a board game. He became the pivotal player in my entertainment. What I neglected to realize was that he just wanted to relax after work.
I started to get the hint that he needed some down time and tried to find things that would be entertaining for just me. I didn’t have much luck but did find some comfort to being in front of the computer. At first I would play hearts and solitaire. Then I started to write things down and it felt really good. Prior to the stroke I had a thought of writing a book but I didn’t have a topic. Now I do.
I began documenting things so I wouldn’t forget. Thing is I haven’t forgot much.
In the beginning my vocabulary was limited, my sentence structure nonexistent. I would have several thoughts and try to ram them all into one sentence. Sentences would be run on and on and on. Typing was a slooww activity since I had lost much of my co ordination. In the beginning I made an effort to type as I was taught in typing in high school. My right hand has had to pick up the slack on certain letters. I’ve had to modify the way I type much like I’ve had to modify many activities.
What is interesting is going back and reading what I thought at the time was a work of art. It is a great barometer of how things were. At least that got me started using my brain and thankfully I have progressed since then.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Final Farewell to Parkwood
Finally my time at Parkwood was over. That was 51/2 months of time well spent. I was going home for good! I don’t think I have wanted something so badly in my life. Not only was I going home but in my mind it meant that I was better. I was better but since that time I have progressed so much more. If I were to put a number on it I’d say 2000%. My speech has become more clear, my balance has improved, and I have more hope for the future.
Despite me wanting to go (be permanently discharged) sooo badly it wasn’t a very ceremonial moment. It should have been more momentous than returning from therapy and being wheeled out to the car just like every other day to go for supper. If this were a movie, uplifting and happy music would be playing. We (Mike and I) took my parents and brother out for dinner as a thank you for the countless trips (everyday) into London they made while I was in the hospital.
So I am at home......Prior to the stroke part of my regular routine was to go for a run first thing in the mornings. Running or walking was not in the cards for me. Since I am used to a good workout (good sweat) I longed for that again. I had used the elliptical at the gym and realized that I could hang on to the handles for support and move my legs quickly. I figured that would allow me a good workout and mimic the movement of walking.
I had basically decided that getting an elliptical was the best option, even though the doctors thought it might be too soon. I just wanted it and felt it was in my best interest so I didn’t listen and pushed forward.
The elliptical would provide the therapy of exercise and weight management. Weight management became a serious issue. After 3 months of no food and a modified diet I became obsessed and ate everything in sight. Eventual boredom also contributed to the weight gain. I began eating when I didn’t have anything to do. This was the reason I gained too much weight.
Not only was I upset about the effects of the stroke I needed and wanted to lose some weight but I didn’t know how. In the past I would just workout longer or harder. My eating habits would essentially stay the same. But the fact that my movements, strength and endurance were limited made this strategy obsolete.
I have a real obsession with both food and working out. I have a love hate relationship with food.I love junk food and eat it if it’s available. I hate the extra calories. If it’s wasn’t readily available I would go get it at the store or in a pinch I’d make something to fill that sweet tooth. In order to combat the extra calories I would work out extra. It was and is a vicious cycle.
In my mind the exercise was going to get me walking and make weight loss possible so I was willing to pay whatever it was going to cost—it was an investment in my future. After 6 years I am still not walking without a mobility aid. Most importantly and thankfully I AM NOT in a wheelchair (a prognosis doctors thought would happen)
Where would I be if I just gave up and accepted things as they were without trying to change things? I wasn’t happy with the way things were so I had two choices. Quit and give up or make a change. Since I wasn’t happy with the way things were, so the choice was a no brainer. Try to make a change, the alternative was not an option.
Despite me wanting to go (be permanently discharged) sooo badly it wasn’t a very ceremonial moment. It should have been more momentous than returning from therapy and being wheeled out to the car just like every other day to go for supper. If this were a movie, uplifting and happy music would be playing. We (Mike and I) took my parents and brother out for dinner as a thank you for the countless trips (everyday) into London they made while I was in the hospital.
So I am at home......Prior to the stroke part of my regular routine was to go for a run first thing in the mornings. Running or walking was not in the cards for me. Since I am used to a good workout (good sweat) I longed for that again. I had used the elliptical at the gym and realized that I could hang on to the handles for support and move my legs quickly. I figured that would allow me a good workout and mimic the movement of walking.
I had basically decided that getting an elliptical was the best option, even though the doctors thought it might be too soon. I just wanted it and felt it was in my best interest so I didn’t listen and pushed forward.
The elliptical would provide the therapy of exercise and weight management. Weight management became a serious issue. After 3 months of no food and a modified diet I became obsessed and ate everything in sight. Eventual boredom also contributed to the weight gain. I began eating when I didn’t have anything to do. This was the reason I gained too much weight.
Not only was I upset about the effects of the stroke I needed and wanted to lose some weight but I didn’t know how. In the past I would just workout longer or harder. My eating habits would essentially stay the same. But the fact that my movements, strength and endurance were limited made this strategy obsolete.
I have a real obsession with both food and working out. I have a love hate relationship with food.I love junk food and eat it if it’s available. I hate the extra calories. If it’s wasn’t readily available I would go get it at the store or in a pinch I’d make something to fill that sweet tooth. In order to combat the extra calories I would work out extra. It was and is a vicious cycle.
In my mind the exercise was going to get me walking and make weight loss possible so I was willing to pay whatever it was going to cost—it was an investment in my future. After 6 years I am still not walking without a mobility aid. Most importantly and thankfully I AM NOT in a wheelchair (a prognosis doctors thought would happen)
Where would I be if I just gave up and accepted things as they were without trying to change things? I wasn’t happy with the way things were so I had two choices. Quit and give up or make a change. Since I wasn’t happy with the way things were, so the choice was a no brainer. Try to make a change, the alternative was not an option.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I’m back after my hiatus
Just a quick note about the fundraiser and then I’ll get back to my story.
To know you have made a positive impact on someone’s life is indescribable. I’m hooked.
I had the privilege to meet someone in a very similar situation than me. On first sight I saw he was cautiously walking with a walker his speech was at times difficult to undertand. (just like me at the same point in my recovery) After talking with him I found we shared even the same type of stroke and some of the same effects. He didn’t know me when I was at that point in my recovery so he won’t see the comparison.
From that meeting(we wouldn't have if it weren't for that talk) and discussions I took two things away from that encounter. First I have the ability to reassure others because I know it will get better. Of a stroke and other challengiing times in life. Secondly I was beginning to lose sight of the progress that I have made. I have a much greater appreciation for where I am now from where I've been. It isn’t 100% but it is a 100% improvement over where I was. So as much help that I was ....I gained so much more. Thanks Rich. I hope you will always believe and have hope that it will get better because it did for me and it will for you!
Just a quick note about the fundraiser and then I’ll get back to my story.
To know you have made a positive impact on someone’s life is indescribable. I’m hooked.
I had the privilege to meet someone in a very similar situation than me. On first sight I saw he was cautiously walking with a walker his speech was at times difficult to undertand. (just like me at the same point in my recovery) After talking with him I found we shared even the same type of stroke and some of the same effects. He didn’t know me when I was at that point in my recovery so he won’t see the comparison.
From that meeting(we wouldn't have if it weren't for that talk) and discussions I took two things away from that encounter. First I have the ability to reassure others because I know it will get better. Of a stroke and other challengiing times in life. Secondly I was beginning to lose sight of the progress that I have made. I have a much greater appreciation for where I am now from where I've been. It isn’t 100% but it is a 100% improvement over where I was. So as much help that I was ....I gained so much more. Thanks Rich. I hope you will always believe and have hope that it will get better because it did for me and it will for you!
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