Recently I had read someone else’s blog and found it to be informative and then was interested to see if my own blog was informative, helpful or interesting in anyway. After reading a few entries it came to me that whether or not it was helpful to others it was helpful to me to put in words what I was feeling and while ‘putting pen to paper’ or rather typing them up, I was able to improve my hand dexterity and more importantly my writing has improved and the ability to explain myself clearly by organizing my thoughts has improved. As part of the process it also made me think of my situation in a more positive light and not to focus on the negative (which is easy to do when your life is turned upside down and you no longer know which way is up) It forced me to stop dwelling on things that were different that I couldn’t change and learn to live life as it was not how it used to be.
It was my intention when I started blogging to be positive and be able to show others it is possible to view a difficult circumstance positively and learn something about yourself from it. I was able to explain myself fairly reasonably when it came to factual information that had a chronological order but when it came to describing how I truly felt about my husband becoming my ex husband I was at a loss for words or positive way to look at things.
Every time I started to write things down it became a list of all of the ‘wrongs’ that were committed by my ex towards me. For some reason it didn’t sit right with me to bash him despite what I thought.... he deserved it! It was also hard to put down my feelings properly. I needed some time to think about things or not think about things. Really what I was doing was creating a list of things he did wrong and not focusing on the good he had done over the years and for 3 years post stroke he did many good things and some bad. I was being driven by my anger to focus on the bad and was trying to hurt him as much as he hurt me......nothing else. I can’t say I’m truly over it, but I am at a better place where I have put things in perspective.
So I haven’t posted anything in a while. I am glad I listened to that little voice or my instincts. Actually it was more like a yelling voice that made me listen to my instincts for a few reasons. First of all I would be hurting someone that I loved and loved me. I would be trivializing that love. He was placed in a very difficult situation and tried his best but it was too much for him. A stroke doesn’t come with a handbook how to deal with your feelings. Secondly and more importantly, I would sound bitter and would be harping on something I can’t change. Who really wants to hear about all that? It might be interesting to some but spewing all that negativity is not who I choose to be.
Everyone has choices. You have the choice on your behavior or how you look or perceive a situation. The mind or brain is a very complex organ it is capable of just about anything. I say this because I have lived it. If your initial reaction is negative (mine was negative in the beginning and began to change as things progressed in a positive way)change your thinking .....your mind is capable of being flexible. There are many people out there, and I am one of them, that feel if you think about something (positively or negatively) or as my friend says ‘put it out there’ then it will happen. So if something bad happens and you choose to view it or think positively about it than positive things will happen. AS it happens I am choosing to view this negative situation with new positive eyes and positive things are happening. Not to mention I am walking around lighter and have a happier inner core(much like before all of this nasty business).
I am not saying only positive things have happened since. The negative does rear its ugly head but I choose to see the silver lining in the dark cloud. Life is just better having this outlook. So it just makes sense when something negative happens choose to look at it positively.
