I have neglected this issue of the breakup long enough. I didn't think it would be this hard to put in words.
I was so disappointed and mad that the person I chose to spend my life with couldn’t handle this misfortune. Granted it was life changing and very hard to cope with. There is no manual. I have had a very hard time coping with it all. Yes I would have loved to walk away but it happened to me so I couldn’t walk away. I had a choice give up or make the best of it. Try hard, work hard and never give up despite what people say or what they expected.
He chose to give up and walk away. I am not 100% sure that if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t have done the same thing. He had two choices stand by me or start over again with someone new. Would I have walked away when I knew I couldn’t handle the stress? I like to think I would have at least tried harder, approached the issue differently. I don’t think I could ignore it, not talk about it or go exclusively to my friends for advice. Wouldn’t a professional be better equipped to give suggestions and advice?
I was a mess crying all the time worried for my future. I still worry about my future but not nearly as much. I was worried that everyone I would meet would feel the same way. That I was less than a person now and wouldn’t be able to find love. I realize now that not everyone has the same reaction as my ex-husband. I hung on to my ex- husband so fiercely thinking he was the be all end all. He’s not and there are BETTER fish in the sea.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
The break up
I have kept the story in chronological order in order to keep things organized in my mind. It just seems to make sense to start from the very beginning and move toward the end, or present day. My memories seem to be clearer and easier to recall when they follow a timeline.
I am now at the point in the story where I am not sure that I want to dig up certain memories. it has taken a year to get to the point of not tearing up when talking about it. I have been putting off recalling these events. I have thought about the fairest way to paint the picture and I have come up with sticking to the facts and try not to give my opinion (too much). I realize there are two sides to every story. The trouble is I only have my side of the story.
In the car on our way to an appointment he dropped the bomb....”we should go our separate ways” Something in his voice told me that he was VERY serious. I was sitting in the passengers seat and I looked over at him driving like I had for 18 years. His expression was stony and distant. An expression that I know all too well....now
My initial thought was this statement has been said before in the heat of an argument from both our mouths but never just out of the blue. Actually we had a minor argument just before the car ride to our appointment, but not one that would warrant that statement. My next thought was HE WAS SERIOUS and I was reduced to tears.
In the beginning I just didn’t understand. I wanted some clarification. Do marriage vows not mean anything I wanted to scream and I wanted him to see the error in his ways and say we need to talk. Does in sickness and in health matter at all? I guess only in health. Now I don’t care as much..It’s just something that has happened and it isn’t someone I should worry about. He said he wanted to quit the stroke but that also meant quitting me.
Our biggest mistake was that we didn’t talk about our ‘feelings’ and thought we could do it ourselves so we didn’t seek any counselling. It was like don’t ask don’t tell. Since I cried so easily, Mike has said that was the reason for hiding his feelings or rather not to discuss them. It took me a long time to accept that as a reasonable explanation. I just feel that was a cowardly way of doing things. Were the years we had been together not at least warrant trying?
I am now at the point in the story where I am not sure that I want to dig up certain memories. it has taken a year to get to the point of not tearing up when talking about it. I have been putting off recalling these events. I have thought about the fairest way to paint the picture and I have come up with sticking to the facts and try not to give my opinion (too much). I realize there are two sides to every story. The trouble is I only have my side of the story.
In the car on our way to an appointment he dropped the bomb....”we should go our separate ways” Something in his voice told me that he was VERY serious. I was sitting in the passengers seat and I looked over at him driving like I had for 18 years. His expression was stony and distant. An expression that I know all too well....now
My initial thought was this statement has been said before in the heat of an argument from both our mouths but never just out of the blue. Actually we had a minor argument just before the car ride to our appointment, but not one that would warrant that statement. My next thought was HE WAS SERIOUS and I was reduced to tears.
In the beginning I just didn’t understand. I wanted some clarification. Do marriage vows not mean anything I wanted to scream and I wanted him to see the error in his ways and say we need to talk. Does in sickness and in health matter at all? I guess only in health. Now I don’t care as much..It’s just something that has happened and it isn’t someone I should worry about. He said he wanted to quit the stroke but that also meant quitting me.
Our biggest mistake was that we didn’t talk about our ‘feelings’ and thought we could do it ourselves so we didn’t seek any counselling. It was like don’t ask don’t tell. Since I cried so easily, Mike has said that was the reason for hiding his feelings or rather not to discuss them. It took me a long time to accept that as a reasonable explanation. I just feel that was a cowardly way of doing things. Were the years we had been together not at least warrant trying?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)