Boredom

I was sooo bored being at home during the day by myself. When the doctor had mentioned needing a few years at home to recover, my thought was that I was going to go crazy with boredom. I even thought I would be going to the mall on a regular basis for something to do. I had naively thought I’d be walking within months and I’d be out and about, possibly even driving. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Instead to fill some time in a day, I would wait for Mike to come home and bombarded him with things to do...like go for a walk with my walker, go to the mall for something I thought we had to have or play cards or a board game. He became the pivotal player in my entertainment. What I neglected to realize was that he just wanted to relax after work.

I started to get the hint that he needed some down time and tried to find things that would be entertaining for just me. I didn’t have much luck but did find some comfort to being in front of the computer. At first I would play hearts and solitaire. Then I started to write things down and it felt really good. Prior to the stroke I had a thought of writing a book but I didn’t have a topic. Now I do.

I began documenting things so I wouldn’t forget. Thing is I haven’t forgot much.
In the beginning my vocabulary was limited, my sentence structure nonexistent. I would have several thoughts and try to ram them all into one sentence. Sentences would be run on and on and on. Typing was a slooww activity since I had lost much of my co ordination. In the beginning I made an effort to type as I was taught in typing in high school. My right hand has had to pick up the slack on certain letters. I’ve had to modify the way I type much like I’ve had to modify many activities.

What is interesting is going back and reading what I thought at the time was a work of art. It is a great barometer of how things were. At least that got me started using my brain and thankfully I have progressed since then.

Final Farewell to Parkwood

Finally my time at Parkwood was over. That was 51/2 months of time well spent. I was going home for good! I don’t think I have wanted something so badly in my life. Not only was I going home but in my mind it meant that I was better. I was better but since that time I have progressed so much more. If I were to put a number on it I’d say 2000%. My speech has become more clear, my balance has improved, and I have more hope for the future.

Despite me wanting to go (be permanently discharged) sooo badly it wasn’t a very ceremonial moment. It should have been more momentous than returning from therapy and being wheeled out to the car just like every other day to go for supper. If this were a movie, uplifting and happy music would be playing. We (Mike and I) took my parents and brother out for dinner as a thank you for the countless trips (everyday) into London they made while I was in the hospital.

So I am at home......Prior to the stroke part of my regular routine was to go for a run first thing in the mornings. Running or walking was not in the cards for me. Since I am used to a good workout (good sweat) I longed for that again. I had used the elliptical at the gym and realized that I could hang on to the handles for support and move my legs quickly. I figured that would allow me a good workout and mimic the movement of walking.

I had basically decided that getting an elliptical was the best option, even though the doctors thought it might be too soon. I just wanted it and felt it was in my best interest so I didn’t listen and pushed forward.

The elliptical would provide the therapy of exercise and weight management. Weight management became a serious issue. After 3 months of no food and a modified diet I became obsessed and ate everything in sight. Eventual boredom also contributed to the weight gain. I began eating when I didn’t have anything to do. This was the reason I gained too much weight.

Not only was I upset about the effects of the stroke I needed and wanted to lose some weight but I didn’t know how. In the past I would just workout longer or harder. My eating habits would essentially stay the same. But the fact that my movements, strength and endurance were limited made this strategy obsolete.

I have a real obsession with both food and working out. I have a love hate relationship with food.I love junk food and eat it if it’s available. I hate the extra calories. If it’s wasn’t readily available I would go get it at the store or in a pinch I’d make something to fill that sweet tooth. In order to combat the extra calories I would work out extra. It was and is a vicious cycle.

In my mind the exercise was going to get me walking and make weight loss possible so I was willing to pay whatever it was going to cost—it was an investment in my future. After 6 years I am still not walking without a mobility aid. Most importantly and thankfully I AM NOT in a wheelchair (a prognosis doctors thought would happen)

Where would I be if I just gave up and accepted things as they were without trying to change things? I wasn’t happy with the way things were so I had two choices. Quit and give up or make a change. Since I wasn’t happy with the way things were, so the choice was a no brainer. Try to make a change, the alternative was not an option.