The tube in my throat was scheduled to come out. I would finally be able to speak! Say goodbye to the one sided conversations where visitors would talk to one another and I would follow along quietly participating in the conversation in my mind. I finally would actually be able to speak the things only I could hear.
The conversations sounded like me but no one could hear but me. A calming one sided conversation I had with myself; was my voice telling me everything was going to be fine. FINE????!!!! I am not sure why I was telling myself that when things were at their worst. Basically I was just lying in a bed. At the time I thought my life was over. For about two months I did a lot of crying. At least until things were getting better. Life as I knew it was over. But you know....... this life can be a struggle but it isn't so bad. I try to make the best of it.
The thought of the tube coming out had me scared to tears.(of course) Was it going to hurt? More importantly, what if I wasn’t going to be able to breathe? That was an irrational thought since the doctors had thought of that. To prepare, over the course of a week or so, a plug was inserted into the tube forcing air in through my mouth and nose instead of the tube in my throat. Every time the nurse would enter the room with the pink coloured plug I would panic a little in my mind. However throughout the day I wouldn’t give it a second thought.
Tears ran down my face onto my pillow just before the tube was painlessly removed and a band aid was placed over the hole. A band aid? Leaving a scar that is a permanent reminder. Having it removed was a snap so I am not sure why the tears? It was likely the fear of the unknown?
The biggest problem was not the removal. It was the fact that I still couldn’t talk. I would move my lips but nothing would come out. MEEE NOT TALK??!!! That is unheard of. (I’m a talker) So the one sided conversations would continue. Visitors were talking over me, about me, and no one heard what I had to say.
Thankfully only a few days later I spoke. It wasn’t clear and has taken years to get it to this point. But I could talk. What a relief. I never really thought I wouldn’t talk. However the unthinkable had happened so I thought what if I didn’t?
I consciously made my first word be my then husband’s name. Mike. I wanted to surprise him with something positive when he came in the room. It was far from clear but eventually I would be able to have a conversation with him. Later on a friend told me she heard him say that all he wanted was to be able to sit and talk to me. Well that came true and........
Mike told me that he would stand outside of my room listening to me practice. In order to make my stay more comfortable pictures were brought in and posted along the shelf facing me. This was supposed to give me a feel of home. To practice I would say the names of the people in the picture. Andrew, Abbey, Fisher (my dog at the time, she’s dearly departed and I have a new dog) Mike, Jon, Aaron, Amanda..... you get the idea.
As the months and years have passed, I have gained an inflection, better rhythm and don’t to catch my breath when talking. It is not so monotone and flat. More like before. A few people have even mentioned their surprise on how much better it has gotten. I even sounded like the old me when I had a cold. I didn’t really want to get over that cold.
However I am still aware that it is far from perfect. I need to be careful not to talk quickly. Which is hard since my brain will move fast. When I’m tired, laughing or crying it makes it more difficult to hear. The biggest obstacle to learning to speak clearer is that the words I am trying to say are perfectly clear to me in my head but not to the listener. So I am not aware when it is not coming out right unless I see a quizzical or a blank stare—I’ll then repeat myself and speak slower and enunciate.
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